WARNING! Holiday Party Eating Tips: Wrong Way and Right Way

We are in the thick (pun intended) of the holiday party season—the season for eating along with all the other joyous activity. You have undoubtedly read the millions of articles found in periodicals at this time about how not to gain the infamous 10 pounds between Thanksgiving and New Year. I have read them so often, I almost know them by heart—and yet, I have never actually gotten through the whole season without gaining some weight. I am happy to say that I never gain 10 pounds, but 2 or 3? Yes.

I came across the new rules for holiday eating on the internet, and I couldn’t resist passing them along.

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. You can’t find it any other time of year but now, so drink up! It’s Christmas.

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or half and half. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other peoples’ food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and a vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies: apple, pumpkin, mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Reread the tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Okay, maybe this isn’t the best prescription for a great holiday season, but it does put things into perspective. You don’t have to go crazy and gain 10 pounds, but you can indulge a bit and join in the food celebration. Moderation anyone?